When we are in a relationship, it is true that no one teaches us to face difficulties that will undoubtedly come sooner or later. But this is not a sufficient reason to leave that bond that you have created with another person, since having a healthy relationship with your partner is not synonymous with that it will be perfect and it is necessary to analyze what can be done and how. to solve
To discover the state in which your relationship is, Elisa Furlong, a specialist in family development and joint therapies, shares with us the 4 habits of the Gottman method, a type of couple therapy that involves the assessment of the relationship, and that allows us to identify some of the factors that can cause a crisis between the two.
1. Criticism in two
When you share your life with another person and extreme madness, that’s when you begin to see the other person as they are; At this time, you may have a complaint about particular actions or behavior, however, the thin line between complaint and criticism can cause problems, as there is a huge difference between the two. The complaint only refers to a specific action that the participant could have, and that you can communicate in different ways; Criticism is more global, and includes negative, unpleasant, and even harmful words about a partner’s character or personality.
If you hear the echo of this criticism with your partner in arguments, remember that it is common but can be fixed, lest you think it will perish in divorce or divorce. The problem with criticism is that when it becomes constant, it paves the way for the other three emotions, which tend to be more dangerous.
2. Can there be contempt?
Sarcasm and skepticism are forms of contempt. The same can be said for name calling, eye rolling, taunts, and hostile humor. Contempt, in any form, can be considered the most dangerous of these attitudes, just like toxic relationships, because it conveys disgust. It is impossible to solve a problem when your partner is receiving a message that you are upset with them. Contempt always increases conflict, instead of favoring reconciliation, and everything is available to solve the problem and to strengthen assertive communication to resolve conflicts.
3. Be defensive
Research shows that this rarely produces the desired effect. The inferring spouse does not withdraw and does not ask for forgiveness. This happens because the defensive attitude is actually a way of criticizing the partner. What we are essentially saying is: “The answer is not me. You are.” A defensive attitude only aggravates the conflict, and that is why this attitude is so dangerous.
“Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness do not strictly always enter the house. They work more like no gender, constantly passing the staff from one to the other, and if we don’t know how to put an end to this cycle, there can be no turning back in the relationship, since they are very habituated; damage the bond with our partner. . ” commented Elisa Furlong, also the founder of the Elisa Furlong Parenting Coach.
The attitude of doubt is usually later than the other three. For this reason, it is less frequent among newbies, but usually more present among married couples who have been in a negative spiral for some time. For the negativity created by the first three emotions is free to grow to such an extent that avoidance becomes an intelligible mode.
“If you have detected any of these behaviors in your relationship, it is very likely that you need to evaluate everything that is going on and decide what is best for you and your partner. The Gottman method states that these 4 behaviors can predict love breakups with 90% accuracy if you think your relationship is going through this , it will be time for you to turn to professional help for its effect and avoid the definitive option. “, concluded Elisa Furlong, who has a certification in this method of treating couples.