Perhaps the most remarkable thing about the whole thing was that it wasn’t remarkable at all: Another Tuesday. Another billionaire businessman is getting paid to catapult himself into space.
Yet the deeply waxed vision of Jeff Bezos in his beige cowboy hat and blue spacesuit (wearing a custom Omega Speedmaster over sleeves as if he were Buzz Aldrin), high-fiving astronauts and then later experience, this Kind of resonated that Sir Richard Branson hadn’t had a wild ride.
It took only 27 years for Amazon to become a $1.8 trillion company. Mr Bezos is either the richest man in the world or the second richest man, depending on the volatility of the stock market. Yet he has become it without attaining the corresponding mystery.
He didn’t host “Saturday Night Live” like Tesla CEO Elon Musk and managed to do a surprisingly good job of it. He, like Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, hasn’t shown Americans the power of a minimal fake neck. He didn’t, like Twitter’s Jack Dorsey, spend a pandemic isolating with Jay-Z.
All of them inspire enmity, especially Mr. Musk and (posthumously) Mr. Jobs. But their lines of products reveal the emotional connect of people. He invented FOMO. Mr Bezos only took advantage of this and embodied it.
We saw him go to the gym, get biceps and buy a motorcycle jacket. The problem was never fixed. It seemed that they were accomplishing the opposite of their intended purpose, which is to wire the silliness of nostalgia.
We read about the end of his marriage to Mackenzie Scott, a novelist turned mega-philanthropist, and the beginning of his romance with Lauren Sanchez, on the tabloid entertainment show “Extras!” But a former correspondent.
It seemed like a cliché.
We gasped at the intimate text messages he sent.
He was so goofy, as if he had consulted Siri for sexting advice.
We looked at photos of his four-story $96 million real estate investment in the Flatiron district.
It seemed benign, something that would be designed by Marriott should it build its own version of the André Balazs hotel.
Still likely to be worth around $200 billion and possessed by some who can tell him the truth about, say, how he looks in a cowboy hat while riding his phallic rocket, he is Dorian. The Gray of Darkness, a locus has become classics and fun—the mirror of the house through which a generally large contingent of white men, near middle age and devoid of Ryan Gosling’s form, must see themselves, if we’re sorry stylistically. Be honest enough to admit the errors of spending your way in options.
Mr. Bezos’s name has an onomatopoeic quality.
Bezos is a dentist with a Lamborghini. So does anyone in commercial real estate who has just started their first extramarital affair, starts shaving off areas of themselves that shouldn’t be shaved.
I turned into a Bezos the day I decided to try and pull off a fanny pack and a pair of bootleg Dior shorts.
Pretending to be an oenophile makes many men Bezos. So is deciding whether it is not enough of an achievement to run a financial services company; Who really needs a side job on the weekends as a tropical house and EDM DJ?
If you just returned from your first trip to Burning Man at age 50, you’re getting dangerously close to Bezos territory.
If you’ve tried to book a singer like Jennifer Lopez, Stevie Wonder, John Legend, Patti LaBelle or Christina Aguilera to your wedding, birthday party or child’s religious gathering, you’re Bezos.
Bezos is more likely to be rich than poor, but using Affirm at checkout has helped many less fortunate types achieve Bezosdom.
Being Bezos for a movie star is tough, but not impossible.
Mark Wahlberg, sporting A diamond-encrusted Patek Philippe sports watch that would be a joke in a Paul Thomas Anderson film starring Mark Wahlberg is definitely a Bezos’ one. So does Ben Affleck ever take off his shirt, and we can see the giant phoenix he permanently carved on his back.
Bezos wants to believe that the time he spent on Peloton last year is enough to order a Speedo on Amazon. Or that we still have a good few years left for our knees, we can still go skateboarding or fly in a rocket ship and be Butch Cassidy to the skies, with hats (and boots) on.
Here’s the problem: Butch Cassidy steals and becomes Butch Cassidy. A Bezos compensates with a credit card.
Shortly after he landed on Earth, Mr. Bezos went and held a news conference where he said: “I want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all of this. Seriously.”
It was a curious admission coming from a man whose subordinates are protesting his working conditions and meager distribution pay. But what did everyone expect from the space cowboy in blue satin? He is the biggest Bezos in the world.