France* has experienced an “atypical” journey. She lived, she explored, she settled down, she explored some more and then she was raped. And since then nothing has been the same…
“Believe me, don’t believe me, I haven’t had anyone since.” It’s not easy…” confesses the young woman, about thirty years old, with red eyes and a trembling voice, after an entire hour of loaded confidences.
He agreed to meet us at a café in Trois-Rivières to talk. She’s come a long way, coincidentally, and can finally talk about it. “Three years ago, she wasn’t capable at all. In three years, maybe I will be even stronger? »
Sitting aside, this thirty-something with dyed hair, a healthcare worker by profession, initially trusts in lightness. Her story started out pretty well. Think: the first time at 16 years old “like in the teen movies of the time, it had to happen before the dance”, a lover at 17 years old with whom she finally “discovered” “pleasure”, in a relationship that lasts a year.
“And then, at age 19, I experienced my first attack,” he continues without transition. We didn’t see it coming. Then how ? “At a party,” he says, “at the end of the evening, the guy tries, I say no, he ignores the no’s and puts his hand in my panties…”
France is upset, seeks help at school, and hears the counselor ask her again, “How were you dressed?” » “I felt guilty, really. »
I ended up telling myself: this is something that all girls experience, it’s my turn to prepare better…
France, 39 years old.
Another era? Not exactly: “It hasn’t been that long,” she remembers, “that’s what’s disgusting…”
Months pass and France concentrates on her studies. Some one night a little French in a bar here and there, “that was enough for me.”
Ray
The following summer, she had a significant encounter: true love at first sight for a guy in an open relationship. It takes her years to tell him that she would like to experience something with him, which they finally do, and she is not disappointed. “It was on another level,” she smiles. She was completely comfortable with her body, staying in front of the mirror for hours on end. »They saw each other for several months, during which France also saw other men. “It was very difficult to deal with emotionally,” she said, “looking back, “too much love!” She no longer knew who to prioritize! »
And then, when she was in her twenties, she finally told herself that maybe she should think about settling down. “Could I try something stable ? »It was at that moment that she met the father of her son in a place. “Very nice guy,” she said. But ? “We laughed, we were best friends, but we didn’t have the chemistry…”
Worse: the man does not like it French and feels “uncomfortable” with oral sex. “I didn’t have cunnilingus during the entire relationship. »But France endures because he is tender and serious. “I felt loved, but not wanted…” her story lasted almost ten years. The last two years, “he is dead.”
What if she cheated on him? Only once: right before she left him. “And that confirmed to me that she had to leave him,” she emphasizes. She brought Me back to life, she was dead inside! »
After their separation, when she was in her thirties, Francia came back to life. Literally: “It is a very beautiful time, really. I started to love myself again, I played sports, I thought I was beautiful. »And she has“ many ”lovers. She even has a wish list Fantasies to realize: swingers club, fetish experience… “I even had someone who wanted me to urinate in his mouth. “And then? “I said no for a long time, I ended up trying and that confirmed why I said no for a long time,” she replies conspiratorially.
The agression
This phase lasts a year, until France says to himself again: “I’m calming down. »“I wanted to get to know each other more seriously,” she continues, still without transition, “and that was when I met the guy who was going to attack me…”
More or less ? An app. It was at the third meeting, when nothing had happened yet, that things got out of hand. “I worked hard, I had little time,” he says, “but that night he decided that was happening. »
She remembers every detail: they eat together, then he lays her down on the couch, kisses her, and starts taking off his pants. She says no. He continues. Say no again. He holds her legs. Then he takes his penis out of her. And she “empties herself.” To this day, the scene still haunts her. “I froze,” she said, her voice breaking and her eyes suddenly filled with tears.
At each stage I told myself: it’s going to stop, but it continued.
France, 39 years old.
Finally she left and they never saw each other again. A few written exchanges, degrading ones, at that, and it all ended there.
Yes, he filed a complaint. Furthermore, he is awaiting trial. France also wishes to emphasize that the reception, both by the police officers and the investigators (two women, which is very appreciated, he specifies), was “wonderful.”
Except it doesn’t stop there. Three years have passed, specifically, and since then France no longer dares to approach men. Once, just once, she kissed an old acquaintance and collapsed. “I cried. I just saw my attacker’s penis,” she said, her voice breaking.
It’s because she’s “scared.” Fear of being afraid and afraid. Fear of feeling pain and suffering. To never escape this spiral. “I have stages to go through, I have to go through them, but it’s hard to find someone to go through them with! (…) I don’t know how to meet someone anymore! »It must be said that she has isolated herself, avoids happy hours (“people drink, I feel uncomfortable”) and always runs the risk of crying.
“It changed me,” he concluded, wiping his cheeks. I no longer trust a man to respect my boundaries. I no longer have confidence in myself, in being able to assert myself. (…) At the same time I walked. Maybe I’ll come back. But in a different way. (…) But it is not normal to be afraid of being attacked if I go to someone’s house for dinner. Society must progress. (…) This is not normal,” she repeats.
Your story ends here. For now at least. France takes a deep breath, confirms that talking “feels good to her,” and runs off to smoke a cigarette.
