Dear Abby: I have a half-sister who is 14 years younger, and a sensitive genealogical case that I never shared with her.
Her “father” married our mother while she was pregnant with another man’s child. The man lied to her about being unmarried and wishing to marry her. My stepfather came to the scene, fell in love with the mother (knowing she was pregnant) and married my half-sister before she gave birth, which is why her birth records show him as the father. Huh.
I urged both of them to tell him, but they kept saying “there was no time,” and now they are both dead.
I’m in my 70s now and not sure about how (or if) I should approach him. I would appreciate your advice on this delicate matter.
sibling status
Dear Brother: I advise readers to disclose such information so that relevant medical data can be accessed if necessary. If you know the identity of your step-sister’s birth father and where her family is located, you should reveal this family secret so that, if need be, she can find out if there is a risk of cancer, heart problems etc. There is a genetic tendency. Having that information could benefit his life or the lives of his children.
Dear Abby: I have two sons and a daughter. My younger son is going to get married in a few months. While he and his sister used to have a close relationship, they have split since his father’s death a year ago. I have reason to doubt that he will not invite his sister to attend the wedding.
I intend to talk heart to heart with my son about this and find out what his intentions are. I regard the invitation as not only proper etiquette, but also an opportunity to make a peace offering.
Would you please advise me on the best way to contact them about this and, in particular, what words to use? I am concerned that if the invitation is not extended, it may be impossible to mend their relationship. I should mention that while they are both good hearted people, they are also stubborn.
heart broken mother
Dear Mother: Whatever happened between your son and daughter, it must have been a doozy that has caused years of estrangement. If you wish to approach your son, do so in the context of your concern that if he is not invited to his wedding, you fear the estrangement may become permanent. But after that, please recognize that it’s her wedding, and it’s her and her fiance’s prerogative to decide who to celebrate with.
Dear Abby: A colleague of mine passed away recently. I sent a sympathy letter to his wife and family. The gentleman who passed away has a best friend who works with me, and they were very close – almost like brothers. They went on fishing trips together, went to football games, etc. I know that friend is sad too. Would it be okay to send this friend a sympathy card as well?
caring friend
Dear Caring Friend: I don’t see anything wrong in doing this. Your coworker has clearly experienced a significant loss, and an expression of sympathy will be both thoughtful and appropriate.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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