Single people have been put through the wrinkles over the years: First, they were ghosts, then they were mooted. (As with most, your romantic interest makes it thick, more or less convincing you that you’re the one, Then ghost you.)
Some were submerged. Unlike a ghost, a submarine would return months later, “like a sailor of the old days, who sailed a ship, went under the sea and then came back victorious from his mission,” as Metro described it.
Others were circumambulating. Orbiter doesn’t make meaningful contact again, but they do see every single one of your Instagram stories.
Sure, all these dating terms sound a little silly, but they capture an underlying reality of modern dating: Millennials and Gen Z-ers have a certain ineptitude when it comes to making their intentions known, This is why the conditions are so common now. But finally, there’s a newly coined dating term that actually sounds positive for the singles among us: hardballing.
As defined by Logan Urie, director of relationship science at Hinge, “Hardballing is a new dating term that refers to someone being candid about their expectations of a relationship, whether you want a serious long-term partnership.” Or a casual love.”
Some have called it “dating like a CEO.” This is your love life; Why shouldn’t you call the shots at what you expect and want from the experience? But if you’re not one for dating terms, you can just call it dating with intent.
“When I’m dating, even if it’s as simple as, ‘I’m just looking for sex’ or ‘I just want someone to go on fun dates,’ I love to know what the other person wants. “
—Katie Usseri, Spiritual Therapist in Chicago
Kimmy Seltzer, LA-based dating strategist and host of the “Charisma Quotient” podcast, said she’s seen clients adopt this attitude more and more. She sees it as a response to all the above non-controversial dating patterns.
“I call it the ‘pendulum effect,'” she told HuffPost. “We were seeing a lot of transactional dating patterns – things like bread-crumbing and ghosting – but one trend may be too much.”
Now the pendulum is swinging in the opposite direction: no nonsense, no surprise, transparent dating. Seltzer said keep an eye on dating and rewards with Vivek.
“People are seeking and demanding more security, especially
During the time of uncertainty that the pandemic brings,” she explained. “So in short, I think hardballing is a way of recalculating what singles had become accustomed to: the ghost era.”
Danielle Kepler, a physician in Chicago, thinks the pandemic may also have something to do with dating the more serious-minded.
“The pandemic has taught us all that life is short and if you know what you’re looking for in a partner, why not say it straight so you can move on if the other person aligns with your ‘no compromise list’.” does not do.”
Julia Baker, a matchmaker and dating coach, agrees.
“I definitely believe that COVID highlighted what it’s really like to be single and put an end to all the distractions of dating,” she said. “When all options and socialization with friends are removed from the equation, people are forced to really sit down with themselves and begin to overestimate connection, eventually leading to a deep yearning for love and companionship. evolves.”
The trend coincides with the rise of “slow dating”. As The New York Times noted in a story last summer, people are dating with a lot of discretion these days, either out of concern for their health and safety or because they’re actually clinging to power. want to make a bond with.
In a Match.com survey released in 2021, 63% of users said they spend more time getting to know potential partners than ever before. Match users also said they were more honest with people (69%), focused less on physical attractiveness (49% of Gen Zs, 49% of millennials), and as potential partners (59%). Consider a wide range of people.
The dating genre may have a new name, but it isn’t brand new.
“Hardballing” may be the new shiny dating term, but apparently there’s nothing new in dating with intent. DeMarcus George, an account executive in New York City who is single, said he is always upfront about his dating goals when he meets women he is interested in.
“It’s saved me a lot of headaches,” he told HuffPost. “If a woman doesn’t want what I’m looking for or vice versa, we just move on.”
Katie Usseri, a spiritual practitioner in Chicago, sees her whole life this way, not just dating.
“I hardballed everyone in my life,” she told HuffPost. “I want to know what people expect of me and I want them to know the same – with friends, partners, and even in the work environment.”
She continued: “When I’m dating, even if it’s as simple as, ‘I’m just looking for sex’ or ‘I just want someone to go on fun dates,’ I love knowing that What the other person wants before me. Invest more or less in yourself.”
Profit according to ussery? Little or no confusion. And for the most part, people appreciate honesty. Even when the dates don’t respond very kindly to Usseri’s advances—or when they express sharply opposite intentions—the approach works in her favor.
“I may regard negative reactions as a drawback, but conversely, bad reactions or reactions that don’t match my own expectations are actually helping me to dodge unwanted situations and people who are always Positive in my opinion,” she said.
Here’s how to hardball smartly.
We know what you’re thinking: How do you hardball without appearing aggressive or overly confident in the other person’s interest? Samantha Burns, millennial dating coach and author of “Dating With Done” and “Breaking Up and Bouncing Back,” said this can help save the strategy for later on your first date.
“I think hardballing can be too harsh when done before a first date, where there really isn’t time to get to know a potential mate and understand their point of view and what they’re willing to settle on,” she said. said.
Burns said hardballers with the most games will find a way to tell what they’re doing romantically in their online dating profiles.
“Taking the time to create a thoughtful profile and fill out all the information is an essential first step that can provide some of the same perspectives that are shared during a hardball convo,” she said.
Aim for a casual, playful approach to how to discuss this topic with a potential partner, says Baker.
“I recommend casually and playfully asking a few questions that will uncover some of the answers you’re looking for,” she said. “Just make sure it doesn’t feel like an interview.”
That means “where do you see yourself in five years?” Like not asking questions. Baker said you want to ask enough to give you insight to determine if you want to see this person again.
“Say something like, ‘So, how is single life treating you?
Are you over it yet or still having fun? Even a simple ‘How long have you been at the hinge?’ could lead to an informative answer.”
Ultimately, you’ll want to reveal your dating or personal goals, said Baker, who “recommends saying something like, ‘I’ve had my fair share of dating, I’m ready for something real’ to argue with in conversation. for.”
Discuss your non-interactions as well, Kepler said.
“If one of your non-conversations wants to move to the West Coast in a few years, you can say, ‘Being an only child, my parents are a really important part of my life. In three years to the West Coast. Going is one of my goals. I am really looking for someone who is willing to take this step.”
Whatever you do, don’t feel bad about being assertive, Kepler said. You have agency, and understand that there are some demands on how you want your life to play out. Your date should be too. Ideally, they are hardballing early as well.
“Whether you choose to hardball before, during, or after a first date, I won’t be late to talk about your relationship goals,” Kepler said. “Otherwise, you may find yourself dating a man who is ultimately not aligned with a partner or what you want in your future.”