Attachment style is a good predictor of how a person will behave in intimacy, information that is important when selecting a partner. In this article we give you information so that you can take advantage of this information.
Identifying the attachment style on the first date is an advantage, as it can save us a lot of misery. If you have ever overcome your unlucky love in love, this could be the reason. In this way, although it is not always possible to “choose” whom to fall in love with, being aware of how someone relates to you on an emotional level gives you a huge advantage. If we say so, it is for a very special reason. For example, having a partner with an avoidance style results in an inability to understand feelings, both of their own and of others. Those are the people who have problems establishing what we know colloquially as collusion.
Similarly, research from the University of Milano-Bicocca in Italy, and published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, warns us about something concrete: Having a partner defined by a secure attachment by our side makes it more likely that the relationship will be in the future. And, moreover, a future in which we feel good.
In contrast, insecure relationships tend to manifest with aggressive dynamics.
The way we bond with our caregivers in childhood defines in many respects how we bond with our partners.
The Key to Identifying Attachment Styles on First Dates
Before we identify attachment styles on our first dates, it’s important to clarify what an “attachment” is. Well, attachment style defines how we bond with our parents in childhood. It was John Boley who developed this theory and explained to us that there are four types: secure, anxious-bilateral, disorganized and avoidant.
These first experiences have a great impact on the life of man. There would be children who had caregivers who took care of every need and knew how to provide a rich and secure affection. Others, on the other hand, suffered emotional coldness, abandonment, or abuse.
What happened in those first years of life also determines how affectionate relationships are built into adulthood.
Dr Mario Mikulinsar Philip and R. Shaver in his book Attachment in Adulthood (2016) reports that about 35-40 percent of people say they feel insecure in their relationships. Only 60-65 percent report being able to enjoy secure, loving and satisfying relationships.
It is clear that a happy childhood is the basis for achieving a fulfilling life. Therefore, being able to identify attachment styles in those people as early as possible will guarantee us, in a certain way, “getting it right” in our search for a mate. Let’s see how
Although it is hypothesized that attachment styles are stable over time, there are people who manage to overcome the gaps and affective suffering they experience with their parents in order to have happy and satisfying relationships in adulthood.
ask him how his last romantic relationship was
It’s common to bring up old relationships on a first date. It is a good topic of conversation from which we can get relevant information about the person in front of us. Asking our date, flirt or the person we’ve matched with in an application, how was their last relationship, is an effective strategy.
Thanks to this, we can draw the following conclusions:
secure attachment. You will have no problem in talking about this topic. People with secure attachments usually have longer, more committed relationships. In addition, they usually do not speak negatively about their former partners.
Disorganized attachment. They’ll tell you that they prefer not to talk about the topic, it’s a story from the past that they don’t want to give importance to. They care about the here and now.
Tired of love People with an anxious style will show some emotional restlessness. They will feel distressed or even carry some discomfort or anger with them while talking about their past relationships. Their relationships are always painful and even painful.
Avoidance love. In such a situation, it is common for them to be locked in the band. They love talking to you.
Let’s ask how was your childhood
To identify attachment styles in our “potential” partners, it is interesting to look at their childhood story and relationship with their reference data. It is true that this topic belongs to an already more intimate and delicate realm and we can find some understandable obstacles.
In such cases it is necessary to act with caution and if we want, first talk about how our childhood was and then encourage others.
secure attachment. You will probably speak about your childhood in general, highlighting good experiences and bad experiences. He will be honest and, in general, will always show a good relationship with his parents.
Disorganized attachment. People defined by disordered attachment will say that they do not remember their childhood well. They would describe key moments in which they were happy, but they never went too deep to talk about their parents in detail.
Tired of love In this case, it is common for men and women to talk in depth about their childhoods defined by a keen attachment. They will do it, but in a messy way, mixing the past with the present, lamenting the aspects they missed, the complex dynamics at the family level that continue to grow.
Avoidance love. People defined by an avoidant attachment may do two things: lie or dodge the question.
Identify attachment styles in the first weeks of a relationship
Maybe during first dates the person attracted to us tries to look his/her best. It can make parts of your personality and attitude appear to be made up. However, as the days and weeks go by, we can already infer attachment styles. These would be some clues:
secure attachment. We are dealing with a person who can be trusted, who knows how to respond to our feelings and needs. At the same time, they are not dominated by fear or insecurity. Jealous behavior is not manifested, they are independent, attentive, they know how to take care of us and themselves without dependence.
Disorganized attachment. They are unpredictable people. Sometimes they manifest themselves as people who are in extreme need of affection, very affectionate, kind and friendly. However, after a few days doubts and distrust arise. They need symbols of our commitment.
Tired of love In this case we will deal with people who are prone to many fears and tend to build dependent relationships. They show fear of abandonment, fear that something will happen to their partner, that they will be cheated on, fear that what happened in past relationships will repeat itself with the current partner. They are very insecure people.
Avoidance love. Of all the attachment styles we can find in a relationship, this is one of the most complex. They are people who do not allow themselves to be loved, they are elusive and unbelievers. It is clear that they lack love, but they know neither how to present it nor how to receive it.
in conclusion. While it is true that we may not be able to 100 percent identify the type of attachment in a couple in the early stages, there are always signs, attitudes, and behaviors that we can read between the lines.
Finally, one last comment. Let’s keep in mind that our attachment style may change depending on different variables or context. For example, a person may display a secure attachment style with his family and a bisexual attachment style with his partner or friends. Therefore, it is the global whole on which we advise you to draw conclusions.